“Writing is effortless when we are alive to the world,” according to Julie Jordan Scott. This is partly why I write. Not necessarily because it feels effortless, but because it causes me to take pause and become alive to the world.
My daughter is fascinated by the outside world. She desires nothing more than to frolic in the grass, paint the driveway with long strokes of water, or run wildly down the street away from the safe arms of her mother. Lately, when I bring her home in the evenings after work, her lips immediately form the loose word, “owside.” During our days home together, it is the first word she speaks after gulping her morning milk or being roused from afternoon nap. I can hardly blame her. I too feel most alive outside, particularly on an early fall day such as this one.
This morning, we met two new friends at a nearby park. My daughter squealed with unbridled joy when she saw the playground. She ran to a rocking horse; her new shoes hitting the rough ground with the unpracticed steps of a sixteen month-old. She slapped the cool metal with her palms and listened to the delicious sound. “Up!” she ordered. I swiped at the remnants of last night’s rain on the horse’s saddle with the sleeve of my jacket. “Up!” she demanded of me again, and I complied. Once astride the horse, she threw her body forward and backward in quick jerks, and the horse followed. She already knew what to do.
I am always amazed when my daughter shows me that she exists outside of me and my time with her. If it weren’t for moments like these, I would have convinced myself that her experience with the world pauses while I am away.
She enjoyed similar, exuberant encounters with the swings, the slide, and a merry-go-round. Later, at music class, she lifted her legs high as I lifted her into the air, enabling her to “jump” while the other children and their mothers sang their hellos to her. I watched as she flirted with the teacher; coquettishly smiling and then hiding her eyes. She would run to a cement pillar in the room, slapping her arms around it in a bear hug and watching me with happy eyes. Then, she would gleefully yell, “Mommy” and dart back to me, faithfully throwing her entire body into my arms certain that I would catch her. She repeated this throughout the entire “quiet time” that the teacher insisted upon.
I didn’t care that my daughter refused to be quiet. I love hearing my daughter shout my name with such admiration. I love watching her run back to me, and I love holding her close for a few moments when she wants me near.
Now, she lies in her crib speaking unintelligible words to herself or to her “babies.” Which, I am unsure. Our nervous dog paces back and forth across the wood floor of my bedroom across the hall, clicking loudly, and occasionally, I hear my daughter shout, “Doggy!” She may not nap today.
My soul still feels peaceful, however, until I receive a call from work reminding me of something that was left unfinished. I never seem to have enough time at work or at home and momentarily, I allow myself to feel burdened by a place that I did not plan to revisit until Monday. My daughter’s muffled jabbering has grown quieter and more intermittent. Perhaps, she will sleep after all. I lean my head back, appreciate the breeze from the open window blowing across my bare feet and exhale sharply in an attempt to push that other world away from here back into its separate place. “Mommy!” I hear cried feverishly from across the hall, and I am thankful that I am able to live in both worlds rather than only the other one.
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September 25, 2010 at 4:59 am
Julie Jordan Scott
Oh, Kelsey – how I adored reading this story of your daughter and her unabashed love of the moment and aliveness. We grow up and sometimes I think our duty is to grown-down or grow-back into that unabashedness.
My eldest daughter just went away to college, all the way to Smith College in Massachusetts which is 3,000 miles from me in Bakersfield, California. I adore reading stories of Moms and Daughters, especially now. I am grateful to know my work was helpful in your writing today.
September 25, 2010 at 7:27 am
raisingbrainchild
Thank you, Julie. I am learning that one of the beautiful gifts of parenthood is that you get to relive the joy of childhood.
I am certain that you acutely feel the space left by your college-bound daughter. My mother once told me that letting go is a “gift” of parenthood that mothers have to learn to appreciate. I’ll hope that as your daughter calls and emails you with stories of how she is joyfully experiencing the world on her own that this appreciation will be easy to find!
September 30, 2010 at 9:07 am
Aisha
I thought of you when I wrote my latest post. I know you’ve talked abotu finding the time to write and so that is where this came from: http://aishaiqbal.blogspot.com/2010/09/thoughts-on-what-i-wrote-and-what-i.html One more specifically about our bloggy convo coming next, I’ll be sure to link to you. Anyways, hope you find this somewhat helpful as you try to find the time to write that youa re not alone 🙂
October 2, 2010 at 2:08 am
raisingbrainchild
Thank you! I hesitated to even stop by my blog today, since I need to get down to the real business of writing. Sometimes, it is too easy to choose the easy way out, and that is what this blog can be for me. Finding the initiative to write something for real life (well, beyond work, that is) has been much more difficult for me to find. Thanks for your support!